Cheaters in New York, Detroit, Philadelphia, and Atlanta are obviously too busy with Motel 6 and ménage a trois to listen to the radio.

The War of the Roses is America's new favorite homewrecker: radio stations accept applications from listeners who have reason to believe that their significant others are cheating on them; their morning radio show deejays then pose as employees for a new dot-com florist and offer them a free bouquet of a dozen roses in exchange for passing the company name along to friends. Consistently, the cheaters give the name of their less-than-significant others-caught-at which point the radio deejay interrupts and lets the offended parties break up with them on the line.

On Baltazar and Goumba Johnny of KTU, the beat of New York, are booked for the next four months. On one episode of the War of the Roses, a husband decided to send the roses to his dry cleaner Mai Ling, with the note reading: "I feel like Chinese tonight. Do you feel like Italian? -And then put ha ha ha, or, y'know"-and when his wife cut in, "Jennifer how'd you get on the phone?!" He got downright dirty, calling her family white trash and going into explicit detail of his sex life ("she doesn't yap all the f-ing time like you" was clean compared to the rest). Jen demanded a divorce on the spot.

You feel disgusting for just listening to it. But it's on the radio-so presumably the rest of the city is listening to it-so it must be okay. Atlanta, at least, came to this conclusion when CNN's Best of Atlanta 2003 gave the Bert Show's War of the Roses the "best hate joke on morning radio" which, though not a compliment, is at least a validation.

Leave it to Clear Channel to broadcast, well, crap. One man's trash is another man's treasure. And it sells. Wonder what they'll come up with when all the lying, cheating scum figures out they're being scammed. It sure ain't gonna smell like roses.


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